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Mysterious Golf

The One With The Pointless Friends Reference

Saturday the 26th saw Britain’s foolhardiest minigolfers down in Dorridge preparing for the last event of the season. With a pair of invitational tournaments played, one of which gave out no invites and the other of which had an ‘organiser’ who could not be bothered to give out more than 3. It looked like perhaps minigolf’s friendly image had gone down the drain, certainly this could be seen to be the case after a group of ramblers were mocked, photographed and encouraged to ”jog on”. But this was far from true, somehow word had got out of my kind invitation to stay at the Smith household or the  ‘house of champions’* as Squire affectionately called it, and several friendly matches were played.

As for the invitational tournaments, unfortunately I was unable to win the Green Invitational Tournament being comprehensively outplayed by my team mate Chris Smith, who narrowly missed out on the overall win squandering in the process a rare opportunity to beat his son, Britain’s best player!

Captain Ruthers finally won his epically long Cambridge Invitational in a sudden death play-off.

Wannabe Peter Jones Spotted

As for the friendlies, Squire once again teamed up with a different partner, he’s really been round the block this guy! And alongside Clockwork Orange (That’s me) achieved what the Kelly’s have yet to, comprehensively defeating the Smith’s 4 and 2. (Like an episode of Family Fortunes this, question is who’s Les Dennis?)

Sunday the 27th saw the tenth annual minigolf club championships and aside from the absence of those legends of minigolf Planet Hastings, a respectable complement of eight teams were signed up.

Incidentally,  I was watching Ross Kemp on Gangs and it was quite upsetting to see Ross blubbing after a choice insult from the inimitable Tim Davies so acerbic and biting that it had ripped the hair off the poor man’s head.

But back to the the ‘gangs’ that were there, favourites Kent more commonly known as K*nt due to a worldwide shortage of e’s, w*r* looking to r*tain the titl*. But as ever they had a bevy of great teams to contend with who shall now be looked at.

Firstly Midlands A, sadly missed last year it was expected they would put in a good performance playing at their home venue of sorts. Team spokesman ‘Johnson Paul Johnson’ had this to say ‘If we put in some sound as a pound good rounds then we will run the other teams into the ground’

Secondly Cambridgeshire, who had after some apparently heartbreaking poetic missives had managed to obtain a full complement for their maiden push at the title. After seeing Captain Ruthers great work it is rumoured he is now in talks with the NSPCC to direct some of their adverts.

Thirdly London, with a reportedly Sturdy line up they were hoping to improve their already fantastic record in this competition. Rumours of in team strife proved unfounded despite there apparently being a Burke in the team.

Also present were the Green Hornets who despite coming third last year had lost their two best players and were now going to have to deal with the quite different experience of not playing on home soil. Team Captain, Seth the optimist, widely regarded as a bit of a Clock (That’s me) had this to say ”Well really it’s just a honour to be playing on the same hallowed turf as these guys, I’ve brought some memorabilia to be signed and I am looking forward to meeting my hero Der Gott once again”

We get our 'refunds'.

The Kent B team (Turns head at gun being cocked) sorry, the wonderful, fantastic, second world war winning Hurricanes were everyone’s big tip to win the final by a never seen before and unprecedented 18 holes.Their team spokesman had this to say ”To B or not to B, I don’t think much of that question.”

Finally making up the all star line up were fittingly the Minigolf Allstars, shockingly not captained by Praggers who had this to say (can I think of no other way to introduce a quote?) ”Well it’s par for the course really, despite my inexorable rise I am aware that as my good Pa used to say to me, life is not a party nor a piece of cake, we do not always get what we want, besides I have my eyes on other things*”.

Speaking of cake, Mr Kipling better watch out as the cakes Mr X brought along to the tournament certainly had the X Factor.

Unfortunately with the Midlands B team having to miss the tournament due to mysterious circumstances* reducing the tournament to seven teams. Tournament organiser Sean Homer decided to put to a vote whether the format should be changed or kept  (there was a brief pause when someone complained that they were not using AV, my first choice would have been yes and my second no by the way)  and with a narrow margin of four votes to three, it was decided to keep the current format. Giving the three teams in the Midlands B group walkovers. After this the Spitfires had another effective walkover when they played the Green Hornets.

With some fantastic action and tight matches and great play all round, have a look at Michael Smith’s excellent report for details (, and after an exhilarating but unfortunately freezing couple of hours we were finally left with a unexpected final, the minigolf equivalent of Spain versus Costa Rica. The Green Minigolf Club versus the might of the Kent Spitfires, 4 of the top 5 players in the country versus 4….people. The earlier group stage match between them showing the Green to be so poor as to be green with envy at the talents of the American Samoa football team.

Surely anything but a huge win for the Spitfires would be Insania, yet after seven holes the Hornets were somehow emulating Costa Rica with a one hole lead with 5 holes to play could they hold it together? Surely…not. And then showing the true class you associate with the Spitfire, the style dial was suddenly turned up to 11, with the Spitfires winning 2 of the next 3 holes. And so we came to hole 11. The dreaded pipe hole, the Greens worse hole on  paper as had been seen in the (GIT), with just 2 holes remaining it was not looking good…..

With Marc urging everyone to have a good ganders at and feel of his balls and Wandsworth offering a good old reach around inside his ball bag and complaining that it was hard to get a good grip on his shaft as his hands were cold, it would be fair to say a lot of queer stuff happened that weekend, not least the Green ridiculously managing to get three aces on 11 taking it to the final hole. Or as Freebird would presumably say, paper smaper statistics smatistics. (You haven’t read Michael’s report yet have you?…yeah, yeah sure, you would have laughed otherwise)

Marc's Balls

Hole 12 was a bit of an anti climax really. The only fun part came when on conceding a putt, I got the Kent players name wrong, it was less me forgetting Annie’s name though and more me getting my tongue twisted. Tempted as I was to pretend to hand my putter to Olly Florry to take my shot on 12, with the verbal slip up I feared looking like I was taking the mick. A couple of clickers creeped close but none dropped.

Praggers exhibits his telekinesis powers

Orange Clock (That’s me ;)) was irritated as as on hole 10 his ball once again hit the hole directly taking all the pace out of it. This excitement meant we saw the first draw of the day, but as this was the final there had to be a winner so we moved on to sudden death.

Captain Clockwork (If you don’t know yet…) had been the only member of his team to get any aces on hole 1 with a respectable 3 out of 5 though one of those had come in the walkover round. So he knew he had to get the ace as it was more than likely his team mates would not be able to, he also knew however as soon as he hit his putt that he had mucked up the line. With the rest of his team he watched on with trepidation as the Spitfires played the hole, as earlier, Marc and Andy missed the ace. And so stepped up Michael, Britain’s number one, arguably already Britain’s greatest minigolfer despite playing for a relatively short amount of time, he had aced 6 of the previous 11 holes he had had the chance to play. Surely surely even he could not ace seven out of 12 holes in a high pressure final. Let me just say, a clip of this event won’t turn up on ‘a Question of Sport’ of course the putt was perfect, pace and line spot on, the ball might as well have been laser guided.

Well done Spain..I mean Spitfires you did what you were expected to do and you did it well. If you make it three in a row next year no one will blink an eyelid, except perhaps to shed a tear of annoyance!

But…..I have heard the Hurricanes are looking to raise up a ‘storm’ next year, so big it will down even the mightiest of planes. (Turns head (”Have I phrased that right”)

WATCH THIS SPACE (or rather go on the BMGA website in a years time to find out the result of the 2012 British Club Championship, provided of course the world has not ended by then!)

On the journey home, my continued free loading and excellent weekend finally turned sour when despite having a train ticket to get home in a journey that would take 3 hours at the very most. I decided to take up the kind offer of the Donnelly’s to go by car presuming it would be more comfortable and interesting as I would have people to talk to. Delays on the M40 however meant, I wasn’t back in London for 4 hours and 50 minutes, yet I had another hour and a half of train travel to go! The highlight of which was a drunk lady puking up copious amounts whilst sitting near to me. (unlike much of this blog this bit is completely true!)

*For those who asked, no I did not have to sleep on a bed made of trophies nor did I have to drink from old silver cups. What is true is I had a lovely time, and got to spend ages talking about and watching my favourite subject tennis!”

*Can I make it clear that the Midlands B team did not I repeat NOT pull out due to threats received, on being overheard referring to the Hurricanes as something so disgusting I have had to censor it K*** * T***.

*Rumour has it that Praggers is planning on becoming the next BMGA Chairman.

The Indomitable Praggers

The man obsessed with twos has to have two captions right!

About clockwork4orange

Seventeen but feel older. Fairly bright, though it may just be my hair. Can get grumpy easily though it usually means I am hungry or/and tired.

5 responses »

  1. What a great blog post 🙂

    Good work Tooting 😉

  2. This is a great blog, well done. I haven’t laughed this much in ages!

  3. Good work Sith The Dark Lord, that’ll teach you to confuse me with Alien or even worse – Alan! 🙂


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