In one of the biggest falls from grace since Adam and Eve tried to keep the Doctor away, reigning Kent Open Champion and British number 17 Seth Thomas slumped to an abject 28th place finish in the Star City Open. Despite high hopes on improving on his unsatisfactory performance in the same event last year, little could be done to aid his play once the jiffs appeared to take over. An average of an unfathomable 9 shots a round behind the leaders, Seth dropped more shots in his first 9 holes than he did in the entirety of his Kent Open win.
This derisory display has led to fresh speculation as to his place in the game and indeed his commitment to it, with some suggesting his new found preoccupation with Darts could perhaps be affecting his game. An unknown source close to his family revealed today that he was spending near 20 minutes a day chucking pointy things at a round object. In fact this led to a caution from the Police after a neighbour complained about having cacti lobbed at her rear. One unnamed BMGA Tour professional, said this ”It’s undeniable Darts is affecting his minigolf, I was playing hole 18 with him yesterday and he tried a ridiculous double rebound, he told me he thought we had to finish with a double, honestly the closer he gets to hitting 180’s in Darts the closer he gets to hitting 180 over 3 rounds in minigolf.”
Seth himself has yet to comment on these rumours, but an official statement is expected to be released shortly. British number 1 Michael Smith tried to allay these fears saying ”’When he is relaxed, he plays better minigolf than anyone in this country past or present, he proved that with that ridiculous four round sequence at Hither Green in practice, he won’t let that ability go to pasture” the sequence in question, of 4 rounds under 30 including two 26’s whilst impressive, did come under the influence of Haribo, this notorious performance enhancing drug long since banned from BMGA events.
While it is believed the British number 17 will be present at the British Masters in April looking to improve upon his respectable 5th place finish from last year. The bookmakers seem less than convinced with Madbrokes offering odds of 2 to 1 that British Number 48 Alex ‘Perfect Par’ Pragnell beats Seth by a margin of 5 shots or greater.
In other sporting news, Tooting/Wandsworth based Seth Thomas stormed to victory in the Arcade Games winning comfortably all the fixtures he played. The bashful teenager was modest in victory unable to offer explanation as to his surprise domination, ”It’s like well weird I play this game right called minigolf and I can barely hold my putter then I come down d’ Arcade and I’m like OMG my hands are doing what I ask them to I was just ROFL by the end really, I dunna wha’ to say, to defeat these legends in such a way big man ting I don’t know what was gwaaning, d’ only worry is can I take this form into the next 2 pound tat challenge?”.
Perhaps foreshadowing his terrible minigolf performance, and the idea that perhaps an alternate career choice might be wise, Seth Thomas took a little time out from minigolf by conducting an interview with maverick minigolf blogger and mild mannered man, ‘the Machine’ Oliver Florence, admittedly the interview was conducted during a round of minigolf but lets not split hairs just yet!* The Walton upon Guildford based man was extremely enthused about his minigolf blogging, particularly the fact that he never released a blog unless he was a hundred percent happy with it. Whether this was a thinly veiled attack on the father of minigolf blogging is up for question, but it is certainly true that Oliver emphasised the importance of quality to his blogs, revealing that he sometimes wrote as many as 14 drafts.Indeed a rare outburst of annoyance when questioned about his output led to some choice words ”I don’t understand why people criticise me for not writing enough blogs, I write tonnes of blogs but I happen to have a cr** filter which means most of them do not see the light of day”. Oliver Florence did express one regret however saying ”I wish I hadn’t named it the minigolfer, with my forays into the world of bread golf and wormcharming, I feel I have really limited myself from the mass audiences these activities could bring to my blog, there’s much more to it than minigolf”. When asking about his own blog, Mr Thomas was encouraged to give up. Oliver Florence was rather grim, ”The minigolf blogging market has reached saturation point, Michael’s reports, Rocket’s round ups, Will, Alex and Owen’s blogs, the amount of minigolf based writing on the Internet has reached horrendous levels. ‘The Ham and Egger Files’ had to have a high output when it was the only example of its type on the market, but now there is too much. Something has to give, if you don’t enjoy writing your blog that much, then just don’t write it!”. Apparent plans to introduce a pay-wall to http://theminigolfer.wordpress.com/ are what is reputed to have led to Oliver’s recent attacks on his blogging rivals. Oliver however was having none of this ”These pay-wall plans have been in place for ages, before your blog before Alex, Will’s and Owen’s blogs, I don’t need to tell people not to read them, If they’ve read them once already, then that job is done”. What followed this comment is unfortunately unpublishable, needless to say the interview was brought to a horrid premature close. Later that night Birmingham A and E had to deal with multiple finger fractures, in a horrible ‘Air Hockey’ accident Mr Thomas had had two fingers broken.
Oliver Florence had a chipped nail and a new nickname.
He’d just added Mean to the Machine.
*What follows might not be quite true, I cannot remember the interview in its entirety, perhaps because I passed out in pain and was unconscious for several hours 😉
p.s This could have been 3 separate longer blogs but I wanted to spoil you. It’s definitely not laziness.